What Am I Worth Now?

What Am I Worth Now?

Whew! I just vacuumed, put a load of laundry into the dryer, and emptied the dishwasher. My heart rate is at 145. When I go to fold that laundry I’m pretty sure my heart rate will get back up into the 130s. These are the little things that I have always done and taken for granted along with a host of other things, but not anymore. In fact, I may not accomplish anything else today except this blog and making a couple of phone calls. That has to be okay, but it totally sucks!

The past two chemo infusions have been really tough. It takes longer for me to recover, I don’t have as much energy, and I just feel sicker in general. I’m continuing to lose hair in all the wrong places; my nose, fingers, nails and toes have all gone a dark, ashen gray/black color; and my newest side effect battle is mouth sores. I’ll update you more on the doctor visits under Diagnosis Updates. I realize that all those things will revert to normal once I’m done with chemo, but looking bad AND feeling bad are a mean combo.

So what am I learning along this portion of the journey? That I am worth just as much to my God and my loved ones no matter how productive I am or how bad I look.  I used to do a boatload of stuff.  I won’t bore you with the list, but suffice it to say that I was a busy lady juggling lots of roles. I felt wanted, needed, and alive with energy; a real contributor. Now, I sit and watch from the sidelines. My dear husband has picked up the slack at home and, somehow, I am still a loved and valued member of this family. The other projects and committees I used to be a part of have to motor on without me, and you know what? They have done! It’s humbling, hard to swallow, and so very uncomfortable all at once, but life goes on without me. I’m left wrestling with this uncomfortable fact, and that discomfort drives me to analyze what my true worth is.

I am Accepted. From my husband and children to my in-laws, parents and friends I have been encouraged and shown much care. According to 1 Corinthians 6 I have been bought with a price and I belong to God.  John 15 says I am Christ’s friend. Colossians 2 says that I am complete in Christ. Accepting these truths helps me when I see the physical manifestation of them in the kindness of others.

I am Secure. According to Romans 8 I know God is working all things together for my good, and I cannot be separated from his love. Hebrews 4 tells me that I can find grace and mercy in my time of need. I don’t know what positions I formerly held will be waiting for me when I get back to fighting form, but I know that whatever is there is mine. This is a time of shaking in my life, and only the unshakable will remain. I am secure in the relationships that are strengthened and rekindled during this time, and in the love that I feel from those who used to receive much from me but now give more than they get.

I am Significant.  I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit (John 15), I am able to approach God with freedom and confidence (Ephesians 3), and I am a personal witness of Christ’s (Acts 1). All of these scriptures point to the truth that my identity comes from what God says about me–not other people. It comes from what God has done for me; not what I have done. I’m completely off the hook for my own significance and thank goodness it isn’t up to me!

I just finished folding my laundry, and my earlier projection was much worse than the truth: my heart rate was 124–better than I expected. It parallels the truth that even though I’m not able to do the things I used to I’m still worth more than I expected. Thank God.


17 Replies to “What Am I Worth Now?”

  1. Amen Yolanda! You are more than a conqueror in Christ! You are beloved by the One who is LOVE! Thank you for your posts.

  2. the exhaustion is so real and will be there for the duration of the treatments and after. It is difficult to allow your family to take care of you but it is a blessing to you and to them..Pray unceasingly, call on the name of Jesus, and live totally in the presence of the Lord!! Praying for you and yours!!!!

  3. You are worth so much to so many! I am so sorry you aren’t feeling well but it will get better. You are an amazing gift from God my friend.

  4. You are so right when you explain that you are more than the things that you can do physically. I am grateful that you are rethinking your worth and have surrendered your future to God who will work everything out for you and your family. Love you, Auntie Ollie

  5. Well said, Yolanda! You always have been and always will be worth a million to me! I know you are to so many others as well. There’s so much to wrestle with through this, but as usual, you are handling it beautifully. I admire your courage and strength. I love your realism in your blog of what you are experiencing. It reminds us all to look at what we take for granted. Your place will be right where God puts you when you reach the end of this phase of your life and I speculate that He will use you in ways you would have never thought. He’s amazing like that, ya know? He takes us to places we never dreamed we would reside, to do things we never thought that we could, and blesses us with things we could have never imagined. I love you my heart friend!

  6. I am reading a book that continues to emphasis that I am worthy – we are worthy to God. He loves us no matter. Sorry for your current struggles. I continue to pray for you, wisdom for your doctors, and your family.

  7. Praise God for you and your family. God is so good. Continue to be encouraged and keep the Faith. God is not finish with you.

  8. My darling daughter, your worth cannot be measured by what you have the energy to do at this present time.Your BOLD faith is what shines through. You are a courageous and fearless warrior for Christ . You are being delivered through the fire.You are being refined. Our prayers are being answered. I close my eyes and I see you healed. I’m thanking and praising God in advance. Please be uplifted by you family and many friends. I’ll gladly be the cook and maid.(haha) When is the cleaning lady coming?
    your mama

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