In It to Win It!

In It to Win It!

This is a difficult blog post to write, because it has not been a great week.  I was pretty nauseous starting Wednesday, and had to take my anti-nausea meds for the first time. I struggled to take my l-glutamine supplement because it makes me feel full and bloated and want real food less. My energy was rather low and Thanksgiving dinner was a bust for me–couldn’t really eat it. Friday was better, but it felt like a real letdown after the great eight week run I’d had. I know the effects of chemo are cumulative, but for some reason I thought that I’d be that person who sailed right through. I still might–I mean one bad week doesn’t define the entire experience, but…I guess it just sucks to feel bad. At this point is where the hopelessness and dread and depression about my (temporary) illness threaten to creep in.

I want to tread carefully as I navigate this part of the journey.  Talking about depression feels like I’m climbing hand over foot along craggy rocks, and that the footholds I find just might give way if I twist the wrong way. Why? Because so many people have fought or are fighting the battle against depression. I haven’t ever had to deal with clinical depression, so this conversation feels a little like frontier. Please understand that when I use the word depression, I’m talking about that sadness that wants to hang around and make you feel tired and sorry for yourself thereby sapping your energy and making you focus on circumstance, but you are able to deny it access by redirecting your thoughts and activity. That is exactly what I had to do. I had to remind myself that this was a temporary setback, and that I will not always have to undergo chemotherapy. I had to remind myself that Christ came that I might have abundant life, and that I need to choose that life. I had to focus on the fact that I have a fantastic set of friends and family across the country who would do anything to lift this burden from me if they could. I had to allow myself to feel tired and take some extra rest, and let go my expectations. Another attitude adjustment is what I needed. I prayed a beautiful prayer from the Ransomed Heart website called the Life Prayer (.pdf here). It is packed with scriptures that reminded me of my true condition. How amazing it was to see the shift in my outlook and attitude after praying that a few times. I just felt better.

This is the perfect time to give voice to the fact that many of you reading this blog don’t share my faith. I just want you to know how encouraging it is that you still read and continue to offer me what you do. I hope you see this from the perspective of a story of the human experience. I love that we can support each other despite our differences in belief. Jesus never shied away from those differences, and neither will we. Keep coming back, please!

Despite the setbacks, I had some very bright spots.  My mom is still here and made favorite dishes for the family. I had both my children under one roof for several days, and we took fun family photos! Nadia Larsen of (the lady from the news segment who started a nonprofit foundation to help breast cancer survivors) came to our home to capture the whole family in photographs, because “This stupid cancer affects the entire family.”  What a doll. I’ve posted several of the pics on my facebook page and instagram account. Click on either of those if you haven’t seen them.

So, from the cliff scaling portion of the journey, I wish you a fantastic week. I know my weeks have gone as well as they have because of your support and prayers and well wishes. Know that all those things are coming right back to you from me!





10 Replies to “In It to Win It!”

  1. Just want to say I love you and I’ll find you a climbing rope and halter so you can get a good foothold on that abstinent blowhard of a cliff!

  2. You are almost half way there.Always tell yourself some women out there have it much worse that helped me to snap out of this sad feeling Watch comedies laughter is a great therapy.You are a warrior and a conqueror!

  3. Psalm 40:1-3: “I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him.” Yolanda, even in this, God is using you for His ministry and for His glory. You are precious. I pray for your spirit to be lifted and for God to surround you with His healing power. Love to you dear friend.

  4. Hi Baby Girl, when you feel depressed and I prefer low in spirit, just remember that in addition to family and friends being there for you that God has you in the palm of God’s hands! We’ve come through 8 weeks by faith on this journey and the rest of the journey will require strong faith which you have. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants? Love, Auntie Ollie

  5. I have been praying for you all about feeling so tired!!! That is what I remember most about my treatments. Rest in the Lord, let him hold you in his arms!!!

  6. So sorry to hear of you feeling down…. it’s a fierce battle you are fighting, but you have the will and the strength of your faith to sustain you!! Lean HARDER on Him, he can handle it. Holiday season is rough. I had to wait from end of October til First of Dec. for my diagnosis. The waiting was the worse. My prayers are with you.

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